Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
