hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
