I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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