The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
