I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
