omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
