Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
