Your dad touched me again.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
