Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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