I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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