My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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