so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
