so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i think i just lost a toe
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
