I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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