Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
