Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
