I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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