the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Randomize
