so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
