Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
