just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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