I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
