mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
