I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
