hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
