all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
