omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's blow job season.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
