I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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