I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
