Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
