the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I AM VODKA MAN
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
