i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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