One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
