i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
