I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
