No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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