if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
