dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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