i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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