i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
