he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
