Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My liver just broke up with me...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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