there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
