How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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