whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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