theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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