Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
