I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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