i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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