what day is it and did you see me today?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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