If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
