WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
