I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
