Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
smell my finger.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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