I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
