Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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